I haven’t written a blog in at least a year, I think. COVID-19 happened and the world changed. We’re out here wearing masks, getting vaccines that they just added some antifreeze to (basically a flu shot upgrade) but this one kills. Ok, I’m done with COVID.
Every day is a different day for me, I actually started a mood blanket where I track my mood every day for one year. I’m still tracking it but I haven’t worked on the blanket in a few months. Life has been so busy; I don’t know if I’m coming or going. We’re in that time of year where work is extremely busy and not to mention I’ve started doing events to get some local customers.
Some days I have to drag myself out of bed and other days I can get up and go about my day. Some days I don’t feel like talking, and I’ll shut people out. My moods can change instantly and I have control issues. BAD, like really bad! My work spills over into my personal life because I’m working from home. A blessing and a curse at the same time!
I’ve been known as the “strong friend” and I really hate being referred as such. The strong friend is always there for everyone, a listening ear, favors, money, advice you name it. For years now I’ve been asking myself who’s there for me? Who helps me when I need advice? Who can send me money when I need it? Who is there when I need a shoulder to cry one? Check on your “strong friends” we’re not ok. I’m not strong, I’m just good at lying.
Yes, I have/had a therapist but there is stuff that I can’t tell her just because I don’t want to be locked up in a mental hospital. I have my go to guy but most times I put on my “strong woman” act when I talk to him. Sometimes I just want to pick up the phone and just cry and not actually say anything to the person on the other side. As long as they answer the phone, I know they are there for me. I just want to get my cry out and then hang up. I wake up every day and put a mask on, well my face itches today.
In 2021 mental health still isn’t an acceptable conversation to be held at the dinner table. I’m embarrassed about everything I’ve written above but I need to get it out on paper. Judge me after you read, I don’t care! I know there are people I can pick up the phone and call but I’m just embarrassed about the things that I struggle with every day.
Most days I feel like I’m drowning inside, I find myself having more anxiety attacks than normal. Not good at all!!! Every day I let out a tear or two, then I tell myself “Get your shit together” then I’m “ok” again. Instead of choosing topics like I did when I first started this blog, maybe I’ll just use it as a journal.
Millennials Truth 